OK, things are going to get a little deep here. But hey, I haven’t posted in a few days, and I’m feeling chatty. Here in Collingwood, Ontario, the birds are chirping (ugh, at 5:30AM), the sun is shining and the snow has finally all melted. It was actually HOT yesterday. Basically, spring is officially here and that’s freaking amazing.
Except I have been crazy stressed. I’ll back up and start with the fact that I’ve been an anxiety-filled stressed-out person for pretty much forever, but the last couple of months have seen me having a lot more ‘can I just hide under my bed now?’ moments. A lot of that has to do with the fact that between yoga teacher training and the schedule that we started five years ago that still hasn’t given me more than 6 days at a time in our condo/any one place, really, the edges are starting to fray a little. Projects are coming in waves, events are cramming the calendar, and I’m having to actually say ‘no’ to stuff that I actually want to be doing!
I sort of have this tendency to overbook / overextend myself. Don’t we all?
And then, right when I’m coming to the end of yoga teacher training, with the presentations and practice that goes with that, and right when I’m finishing an edit of a Shred Girls book, and right when I have a bunch of things due… The weather suddenly improves.
How DARE IT?
My mood started going haywire—super stoked when I’m out in the sun, then deep dive into irritation and a stressed-out state of being. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster, to be honest. I’m starting to realize why, though. It’s like reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder: As the weather improves, my mood has been tanking.
The problem with beautiful weather is that as the sun is shining, I feel this horrible nagging sense of guilt that if I’m not out putting in hours on the bike or on the trails—you know, really taking advantage of these perfect days—that I’m not doing it right. I start feeling like I should be making more fun plans with friends, spending evenings out on the back patio versus on the phone recording podcasts. That’s right: sunshine is making me stress-y.
I mean, not stress-y all the time.
But I’m sure a lot of you—especially those working a 9 to 5 in an office—can somewhat relate to this. (It sounds like it should be better for those of us who work from home, but I promise—it isn’t. At least with a 9 to 5, you have set hours and an expectation of when you’re in the office. When you work at home, there’s this odd feeling that you should be able to make something happen when the sun is shining, and you feel like a garbage person when you skip it.)
I’ve been missing some events I wanted to be at, as well: Paris 2 Ancaster, the first MTB race of Peter’s season—in favor of a slightly dim yoga studio every weekend. It was fine when the weather sucked, but now that my full weekends are spent inside when everyone I know is outside having awesome adventures, my FOMO is kicking in HARD.
I also think part of it is because my body is in this moment of panic that the good weather won’t be here to stay, and the urge to SOAK IT ALL IN RIGHT NOW is really strong at the moment. (I think this is because this winter, I had a few super short trips to sunny spots for a day or two at a time, so I think my body still assumes any sun isn’t going to stick around.) I know as the weather levels out and it’s officially spring/summer, I’ll feel less FOMO-y and less stressed as a result, because when the weather is almost always decent, it’s less offensive to skip a few hours to sit in the office. But right now, I am irrationally freaked out by sunshine and the ability to ride without legwarmers.
The solution is obvious: Calm down and understand that it’s OK to not be outside every second of every day. It’s also OK to take breaks and get out into the sunshine and absorb it. It’s fine. The sun isn’t going anywhere.
That’s what I’m trying to tell myself, anyway. So, the point of writing this? I kind of wanted to see if it rings true for anyone else—or is this just my weird little tic? Am I just so #healthgoth that the sun makes me grumpy?
Seriously, is it just me?!
