Over the years, we’ve gotten a lot of listener questions around training with your significant other, or people who’ve asked how we train together. Like so many things in life, the answer tends to boil down to ‘it depends.’ For some couples, training together is their main chance to spend time together and they love those times. For others, training together is great for one person, but the other secretly dreads it. For some, training is their chance to have their own space and time during a day when they’re otherwise together—couples who both work from home would understand this! And for some, training together is pretty darn workout dependent. Here, we’re just sharing a few of the tips/rules that we follow with training together:
You can also listen to this podcast episode where we discussed training as a couple:
You don’t have to train together
This is first and foremost for us. When we first got together, I assumed that we’d do a ton of training together, since we’re both athletes, and at the time, we were both fairly serious cyclists (him more so than me). But pretty quickly I realized that training together rarely worked out well—especially on the bike, where Peter’s chill pace is my hard-endurance pace, so every ride would leave both of us a little frustrated. Once we realized that we could train separately and that was OK to do as a couple, things really went smoother!
Know your individual goals + plans
Even when we were both training for the same Ironman race, we didn’t have the same training plan. Peter needed to work on swimming, since he was new to triathlon, while I needed to just do everything. Right now, Peter is training for a cycling season ahead, and I’m finishing prep for my 100-miler (tapering as I type!). That means at this exact moment, I ran 4 miles today and he did a 100 mile gravel ride. Is it tempting to jump on a bike while I’m in an awesome cycling area so I can tag along? Sure. Would that align with my goals? Hell, no.
Figure out what does work together
We can run together, though we don’t all the time (see the next point). But our endurance running paces line up well—even our Ironman marathon times were only minutes apart! Because our running is pretty equal, it’s easier to do together. We can also do asynchronous activities together, like strength training when we are going to an actual gym. We love swimming together since we can share a lane. And we can do some rides together, as long as we both know what we’re getting into. Or, more often, we’ll drive to a trailhead together and do our own rides, then meet up and maybe finish the ride together before going home.
Communicate
Regarding the above ‘we can run together’ point, that doesn’t mean we often do. Really, it happens maybe a couple times a month. That’s because of our schedules and goals, and also because for me, running solo is my time to chill out and let my mind wander, figure out work problems, think through articles in my head, and just relax. I don’t always want someone with me for that!
Schedule
This is more for people who have kids. The parents who train successfully are the ones who take the time to sit down with their training plans and household schedule and make a plan each week, figuring out who can do what when. We know some who even have a standing date-ride night where they mountain bike together and hire a sitter! Making your individual and together training part of your regular ‘life schedule’ is something I’m super passionate about, and the busier you are, the more important it is to make sure all of your calendars can overlay with each other.
Don’t compete
Nobody wins. Whether it’s who’s training more hours, miles, whatever—it’s just not worth it. You’re on the same team. Even if you do the same races, it should never matter who finishes where. If your wife is doing the 200-mile UnBound race, you can still do a 100km road race without feeling like you ‘should’ be racing longer distances. (Caveat here: If you’re the kind of couple who finds the occasional competitive moment—”Race you to the stop sign!”—to be a fun, sexy moment, by all means, go forth and sprint. Just don’t gloat about it.)
Don’t coach
A couple helpful tips (‘don’t wear underwear with your bike shorts,’ for example) are fine, but unless your partner specifically asks for it, tamp down the urge to coach your partner, even if you think you could make them better/faster/stronger. Share your favorite books or articles or podcasts, but don’t force them to take your advice.
Don’t push
This is a tough one. We do get questions about how to get an inactive partner to become more active, and the fact is, pushing them to ride or run is rarely going to work. It’s more likely to leave you both frustrated and resentful. We suggest taking these next two tips to heart if you want to get your partner moving, at least as a starting point:
Try new things together
We actually love going to new classes—like salsa dancing!—together. Trying activities that are new for both of you can make the whole ‘getting started’/beginner thing feel much less intimidating, especially if one of you is significantly fitter.
Walk.
Even before we got DW the Dachshund, our days almost always ended with a walk together where we’d maybe run an errand or two on foot, but more importantly, we’d chat about our days. It’s a great way to end the day on a positive note, rather than just going from work directly to dinner and some couch time.
Find your own balance
Like we said—this is just what we’ve seen in our own life and in the lives of the athletic couples we know. You likely will have to bend or break some of these ‘rules.’ Figure out what works for you as a couple, let go of expectations of beautiful IG-perfect workouts together, and lean in to what feels fun.
Before you go, check out our book, Becoming A Consummate Athlete, right here:
