Last week, we shared a post about how to support your partner and it had a ton of practical tips. This week, after pulling out of my 100-miler at 100 kilometers in, I have to say that Peter not only managed to be an incredibly supportive partner in the sense of crewing and being prepared, he was the best emotional support that I could have asked for, in a few really important ways.
Know how much to push + when to let your racer quit
This is such a tricky tightrope for crew members to walk, whether it’s your kid, spouse, friend or teammate in the race. When I came in at 50 miles feeling chilled and in relatively rough shape, Peter jumped into action and bundled me up and tried to troubleshoot the next lap. When I came in the next lap in much rougher shape and still struggling to get warm, he went through a few options and ways we could try to troubleshoot again. But he also didn’t push me or bully me to get back on the course. It can be really challenging for a partner to figure out when a racer is truly done, and I think the general rule—which obviously will vary a bit person to person—is that you should offer ways to troubleshoot a situation where your racer wants to quit. But the decision is ultimately theirs.
Have that quitting discussion pre-race
Look, no amount of pre-race discussion will prepare you for in the moment. Your racer may say they want tough love and a push to get back out on course, but you won’t be able to gauge how they’ll actually feel in the race until they’re in it. So take this with a grain of salt, but it is helpful to know if your racer is the kind of person who wants/needs the tough love because they know they’ll hit a point where they want to quit even when they can keep going, or if your racer is confident that they know themselves well enough to know that if they want to pull the plug, that decision is legit and should be respected, not argued.
Respect how much they want to know post-race
I admit, after leaving Ancaster this weekend, I really, really didn’t want to know how the race was going. I knew that once I warmed up, from the coziness of the van, I would start to think about ‘what if’ if I wasn’t careful, and I have a pretty strict ‘no what ifs’ policy. And if I started to skim results and find out what was going on in the race, I knew I would end up feeling crappy about it. So, I stopped looking at the race results until enough time had passed that I could without feeling stressy about it.
Enforce the no what ifs policy
Speaking of what ifs… for you and the person racing, it’s time to stop with the quantum physics ‘in a different world’ mentalities. If there was something you could learn from the race, that’s great—make a note. But don’t beat yourself or your racer up with ‘if only…’ or ‘what if…’ because it didn’t happen. We’ve talked a lot now about what we would do if that race had been one where just getting to the finish line was the goal, or if it had been a national championship or some other race like that. How would we handle those conditions next time? That is a good question, but doing the ‘if only we had…’ and playing out different scenarios that could have happened doesn’t help anyone.
Celebrate the small wins
We talked this week on the podcast about training and the process really being the part of the goal that matters the most. Remind your person of that fact: Did they train appropriately for the event? Did they show up ready? Did they have a great lap or two in the race? What little pieces can you celebrate? It’s not always easy to find a silver lining, but we do need to find the pieces that are worth shouting out!
Remind them that racing doesn’t define them
If your racer is caught in a bit of a shame spiral post-race, this is understandable. It’s easy to start questioning why a race went badly, to start feeling bad about your fitness/mental toughness/planning/whatever. And to some extent, it can be helpful if it informs your next race / training going forward. But remind your racer that one bad day of racing doesn’t reflect on them as an athlete or a person. It’s just one day.
Don’t ascribe your emotions onto them
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not tell them how they shouldn’t feel. I have a lot of amazing people in my life that I love very much, but I’ve had a few texts (and one call from my dad) come in that are phrased as “I know you’re probably feeling really bad about quitting” or “I know you’re probably questioning XYZ…” These are well-intentioned, and also utterly unhelpful. The funny thing is that I wasn’t feeling bad about quitting or questioning my fitness/mental toughness/whatever. But getting those messages made me feel bad that I wasn’t feeling bad. (“Am I even an athlete if I don’t feel bad about this? Should I feel bad?”) Just don’t put feelings in an athlete’s mouth—maybe that’s how you would have felt, but it’s not necessarily how they feel.
Try to get them to pause before planning the next thing… whatever it is
Friends don’t let friends panic-register for races because a race doesn’t go well. It’s tempting to immediately get back on the horse and try again—but urge your person to take a few days before committing to the next thing (or quitting the sport altogether).
